Weaning toddler Bob and pre-schooler Billie: how do you stop breastfeeding an older child?

5/13/2014

Bob is 18 months. He is breastfeeding on demand. This usually means breastfeeding at least 6 times in 24 hours.

Billie is 3 years old. She breastfeeds in the morning, at bedtime and usually once during the night.

Let’s imagine you are Bob or Billie’s mum and you want to end breastfeeding.

First, let’s take a moment to check this is a decision you are happy about. Am I going to try to talk you out of it? Nope.

I breastfed both my children until they self-weaned and I speak to mothers breastfeeding toddlers every day. I know it isn’t for everyone.

If you are in the tiny minority of mothers breastfeeding well into the second year and beyond, that is something to be celebrated and praised and baton-twirled.

You get to choose when you stop.

The job of the breastfeeding support community is to enable each mother to reach her own breastfeeding goals. When it comes to breastfeeding an older child, we are allowed to listen to our own maternal instincts. Not everyone’s maternal instincts tell them the same thing.

However this is an important decision so let’s do a few checks.

If you are 100% confident with your decision, feel free to skip to the row of asterisks.

Are you ending breastfeeding because you want to conceive again and you believe weaning will be necessary?

Every woman’s fertility responds differently to breastfeeding. To conceive, we need oestrogen levels to rise again and ovulation to occur and then we need the womb to receive a fertilised egg and give it enough chance to hang around and implant properly. Most women do not need breastfeeding to end completely for this to happen. However most of us do need at least one gap of 5-6 hours without any breastfeeding in 24 hours.

It might be worth experimenting with night weaning or extending intervals in order to trigger your period before ending breastfeeding entirely if you’d rather not. Get familiar with your cervical fluid (or as my friend Sarah Panzetta, a fertility expert, calls it, ‘your lady liquid’) and get a sense of what it’s likely to look like when you ovulating (stretchy and egg-whitey). Some people are told they need to wean from breastfeeding in order to start another round of IVF. That is a very difficult and personal decision.

We can probably say that is likely that you would be maximising your chances of conceiving by ending breastfeeding. You may still decide you’d rather continue breastfeeding.

Are you ending breastfeeding because you need to take medication and the doctor says you have to?

Check. Many many women are told this inaccurately. In the UK, the Breastfeeding Network is a great source of information – both their medication factsheets and the ‘drugs in breastmilk’ helpline. You can also check with LactMed or the resources (book and website) of Dr. Thomas Hale. There are many lactation consultants available through Twitter who would be happy to check for you.

Are you ending breastfeeding because someone else is putting pressure on you?

Is this someone who you feel has a right to comment on your body and what you choose to do with it? Is it someone who you feel has as much right to make decisions about your child’s health and happiness as you do? If you answer yes to both of those questions, then you may feel you want to listen.

However, you should also feel you have the right to explain very clearly why this matters to you and carry on. You have the right to continue even though other adults in your life are uncomfortable. Just because we live in a society which squirms at the idea of breastfeeding older children, it doesn’t mean a push into unhappy weaning is the ‘right’ opinion. You have science on your side.

This is a decision you will live with for a very long time. You have invested a huge amount in making breastfeeding work up until now. For many women, it has taken literal blood, sweat and tears. You have spent hours and hours and hours breastfeeding. One day, decades from now, you may be a grandmother and breastfeeding will be part in your world again. Wouldn’t it be great to look back with no regrets and know that you stopped breastfeeding at a time that was absolutely right for you?

Your nursling can’t speak up. If you are being pressured to wean when you don’t want to, you may need to be brave and speak up for them.

Are you ending breastfeeding because you aren’t getting enough sleep?

One possibility is to night wean and see how that feels. It may enable you to continue breastfeeding for longer than you imagined you would. You can follow the suggestions below and pause at any point in the process.

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So we’re going to try and wean Bob. He’s breastfeeding a lot. He breastfeeds in the morning and at naptime. He falls asleep breastfeeding at the beginning of the night and breastfeeds during the night several times. He uses the breast for comfort when he feels sad or shy. It’s the first thing he wants when he falls over. When you sit together on the sofa, he wiggles over and lifts your shirt with a big smile on his face. He loves it all.

Have you done anything wrong by parenting this way up until now? No, you have not. You have followed your instincts and met his needs and what a lucky little bloke Bob is.

This is clearly going to be tough and Bob may be sad but YOU ARE STILL ALLOWED TO WEAN. This is your choice and you will be able to make it happen with the minimum amount of upset if you are sensitive and careful.

Some things to bear in mind before we start:

This is not about milk – completely. This is about YOU. Bob is connecting with you and being as close to you as he possibly can. He is feeling safe and loved and cosy and warm. Your milk still contains immunological properties and Vitamin A and protein and all the other useful things. However Bob’s breastfeeding behaviour is about security and love and not much about Vitamin A.

So don’t offer milk in a bottle or sippy cup instead and not in response to a request to breastfeed. Don’t offer milk in a cup at bedtime instead of that connection with you. That’s like you asking a loved one for a hug and he gives you a sausage roll. You may be a big fan of sausage rolls but right then, in that context, that’s a rejection.

We need to talk about ways of trying to avoid the ‘rejections’. It may not be entirely possible but we want to minimise them as much as possible.

Don’t offer another person instead. Does it seem entirely logical that at the moment we are pulling bits of ourselves away from our nursling, we pull our entire self away?

Does it seem logical to leave your toddler for a night or longer just to wean from breastfeeding when breastfeeding was about connecting with you as much as the milk?

We need to show that you are still there and you are still very much there for connecting – just not at the nipply bits.

You will still be there at bedtime when he feels scared and vulnerable. You will still be there for comfort. You will be there for him when he’s going through this really tough transition of losing breastfeeding. Does it seem sensible to pull yourself away when he’s potentially going to be losing something that really matters? You are the person he really needs to help him through this.

Of course partners and dads are a key part of this process but in addition to mum – not instead of. I hope daddy/partner is part of the bedtime process and able to comfort your child. I’m just not sure it’s brilliantly sensible for you to be stepping away and leaving them entirely to it.

Together – all 3 of you (mum, partner and nursling) – you will be making new routines and patterns and developing a new parenting language.

That doesn’t take a night and it probably doesn’t take a week. It might take a week for the 18 month old who is only breastfeeding a couple of times in 24 hours and falls asleep without the breast in his mouth – but that isn’t Bob.

First steps:

While it’s true that this isn’t simply about milk, Bob has been having quite a lot of milk which have met a lot of his nutritional demands and provided a portion of his hydration through the day. We need to look at his diet. Is Bob confidently using a cup? Would he be able to indicate if he was thirsty? Can he help himself?

What will be Bob’s sources of calcium, protein, vitamins and minerals and good quality fats? It might be that Bob enjoys drinking cow’s milk but he also might really not. Does he eat dairy? He would ideally get around 300ml of full-fat cow’s milk a day. If he won’t drink milk, he can eat cheese and yoghurt and you can use cream and butter in cooking. He might like a yoghurt-based fruit smoothie or a milkshake. There are other sources of calcium and other minerals like green leafy vegetables, nuts and tofu. Bob doesn’t need to drink a commercial formula. Full-fat cow’s milk is the recommendation.

Take a moment to reflect on what his nutritional sources will be. Do some research. He’s been taking a significant portion of his calories overnight so you will need to look at extra snacks and opportunities to offer food once that’s gone.

Now it’s time to look at sleep skills. This may be the most difficult aspect of the process so we need to address it from the beginning because it could take the longest.

Bob right now has a prop dependency – a loving and comforting prop dependency. He’s using the breast to aid his drop-off to sleep and he’s using it to transition between sleep cycles at night. As he moves between sleep cycles, he fully rouses and seeks the breast to help him move on to the next sleep cycle. Some babies need dummies replugged or a pat. Bob has a breast as his sleep prop. For lots of mums, this is not really something that bothers them and it can continue until it naturally fades. But if you want to wean from breastfeeding, it’s a problem for you.

Night weaning

You can’t end breastfeeding until you have helped Bob find a new way to sleep. If we just take breastfeeding away suddenly, it’s really not very fair. This has been the way Bob has fallen asleep for a very long time. Sleep time is often when we feel the most vulnerable and when we can really get into habits.

Imagine you’d always fallen asleep by putting your head on a pillow and turning out the light and thinking peaceful thoughts and someone suddenly announces sleep isn’t allowed to happen this way anymore and you have to touch your nose with your thumb while whistling the star-spangled banner. You’d quickly become distressed and angry and think the whole thing was entirely unreasonable. You literally wouldn’t know how to do it.

You would probably prefer to make any transition gradually and with the support of someone you love.

A really good resource for this stage is ‘The No-cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Pre-schoolers’ by Elizabeth Pantley. You may already have read about her ‘pull-off’ method in her book aimed at babies. You would start a feed as normal but then resist the temptation to feed right to the end when your toddler is in a deep sleep and absolutely out for the count. You would use your little finger and break the latch just before they completely fall asleep. The first time, it really would only be seconds before. You want them to do the final drop-off from drowsy to deep sleep without the breast actually being in their mouth. You are right there but the breast has been removed. If your nursling fully rouses at this point and searches for the breast, you may gently place your hand on their chin to see if they might still settle. If not, and they wake further, you latch them back on again and try a few moments later. Then, over several nights, you would gradually detach them earlier and earlier in the process. After a while, you may feed them and after the feed they may still pretty much be awake. It has been a gentle and slow process. They learn how to fall asleep without actually sucking. What then often starts to happen is the nursling who can do the final drop-off without the breast being in their mouth is less likely to rouse between sleep cycles during the night. They semi-wake (as we all do between sleep cycles at night) but feel safe about moving onto the next sleep cycle without needing their prop.

At the same time as working on the pull-off technique, you can work on introducing a different structure for bedtime. Before you even start, you could introduce a lovey – a comfort object that could become associated with sleep and bedtime. It could be cuddled between you during night time breastfeeds. Then as the feeds start to change, the lovey is still there. You could also think about singing a little song that is your ‘bedtime song’. This is a song that you initially sing during the breastfeed and as the breastfeed fades, it’s a new part of your routine. It might happen during the final cuddle or if they appear to rouse and be looking for comfort. It’s calm and soothing and – this is the important bit – you don’t mind singing it every night for a while. If you are feeling very creative, choose a tune you know well and write your own lyrics about your day and your loved ones. Or choose a little poem and phrase that says, ‘this is sleep time now’.

As the breastfeeds end, the song or the poem is still there. It remains consistent. It’s the sign that it’s sleep time now. You are still there and we’re just removing the prop of the breast.

As your nursling finishes a breastfeed more and more awake, you’ve got the chance to insert other things as your new ‘final stage’. You could read a story. It is sometimes said that sharing a book with your toddler is more similar to breastfeeding than offering a cup or bottle of milk. You are devoting yourself to your child. You are sharing a connection. They have your attention and a cuddle.

There are even some books on the process of weaning and night weaning that you might find useful. I don’t mean books for you about technique but picture books for both of you that will usually have illustrations of jolly toddlers and rested mothers greeting the sunrise. ‘Nursies when the sun shines’ is a classic example.

You could also make your own book. Make a photo book using one of the online photo companies about your night weaning journey. Toddlers at this age love seeing photos of themselves and their friends and family. It could just be something as simple as saying ‘goodnight’ to all the things he loves. And I dare you to have ‘good night mummy’s boobs’ on the last page. ‘See you in the morning!’

So the breastfeeding moves back further. After it comes the story and the song (bored of it yet?). Then one day, breastfeeding happens in a different room and then before bath and one day, it gets dropped. Perhaps that night something exciting happens instead – a new toy in the bath, some ice cubes to play with. The breastfeed is something that he will want to get out of the way to get onto the fun stuff.

Some people prefer to leave the bedtime breastfeed as the very last one that gets dropped when full weaning happens. You may have been working on daytime feeding while this whole process was going on. The point is though that we may need to start AND finish with the weaning the bedtime feed because the process of setting up a new routine could take a while.

When a nursling wakes up in the middle of the night, we can hopefully develop new techniques that help them transition without using breastfeeding. Ideally now that we’ve done the pull-off, we are getting fewer night wakings but we may still see some. What else will make your toddler feel calm and safe? You may be able to use some of those techniques from bedtime. The lovey is there. You can sing your special song and use your special phrases. You may stroke and pat. You may put on a gentle piece of music or white noise. You’re going to be finding your own strategies.

There may be tears. It may be tempting to offer the breast because this is too difficult to manage. You have to follow your instincts. You may discover you are not ready to wean and you can cope with just one feed at night. You may decide that some tears of frustration are going to have to happen because you are absolutely ready to end this stage of motherhood. Try and be consistent.

Daddy/partner can be a great help but you also need to develop your boob alternatives now – the way you will show physical love and give your mothering comfort.

Some 18 month olds are verbal enough that they can understand that milkies are sleeping now and they will be awake in the morning – cuddles instead.

What about weaning breastfeeds in the daytime?

Once you have broken the sleep prop, the process will get easier. You will need to ensure of course that naps can happen without breastfeeding. Now the rest of the weaning is about distraction.

We are trying to avoid the need for refusal. This is a key aspect of weaning all older nurslings. You sometimes hear the phrase ‘Don’t offer, Don’t refuse’ used as a weaning technique. It will work for everyone in the end but sometimes we need to jiggle our day around so we don’t actually get to the point of being asked if we want weaning to happen more quickly.

Once we get to the point of being asked, refusal means rejection. Not just a missing out on milk but a rejection from mummy. The request and breastfeed was a way that toddler communicated with you. He asked and it happened and it was magic. It was a dialogue between you that made him feel empowered and special. Really not just about the milk.

What other things can be ask for? Make a special box of books he can request. Make a snuggly book nest with pillows and beanbags. Instead of asking for a breastfeed, he could lead you by the hand and ask for a ‘book cuddle’. Or a dance? Or a big squeezy cuddle with a raspberry on his neck?

You may need to restructure your day for a while - more time outside or at activities. Perhaps meals as a picnic if he normally asks for feed at the dinner table and climbs onto your lap. Perhaps moving the special chair where he normally asks for a feed. In the morning, it’s a big hug and a scoop out of bed and a race downstairs to find the little ice cube tray full of fun snacks to avoid the morning feed. Or Thomas The tank Engine says good morning in a silly voice before mummy says a word. Distraction.

You may need to get up a little earlier for a while so you’ve got the energy to think ahead before he wakes and starts asking.

When you see the glint in his eye that indicates an ‘ask’ is on its way, think imaginatively. It’s really not about offering a cup of cow’s milk instead.

Some toddlers will do really well with limits. Some are starting to become fascinated by counting. If you’ve not managed to avoid ‘the ask’, how about? “We’ll have milkies for as long as it takes mummy to count to ten”. Count as fast or as slow as you like. You are in control. Talk about what you will be doing next. If there’s a big protest at the end of a feed? “OK, one more. Do you want ‘count to ten’ or ‘count to eleven’?” He is control too.

Pre-schooler Billie

A lot of the techniques will be the same for three-year-old Billie. She’ll also need to learn how to drop to sleep without the breast and transition between sleep cycles in another way. It’s likely she’ll have a much greater understanding of what’s going on and you can talk about your plans together.

You may decide to use a token system. Each morning you could give her 2 or 3 (or however many) tokens and she can swap them for breastfeeds at any time but she won’t get new tokens until tomorrow. The tokens may be plastic gold coins (that one seems a bit too ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ for some) or perhaps little stretchy bracelets that she wears in the day and takes off each time she wants to ‘buy’ a breastfeed.

Again – you are both in control. She gets to decide whether to hold on to her tokens. When she requests a feed you might talk through her decision: “Are you sure? Because that means you only have one left for tonight? It’s up to you but maybe check you’re really sure.” You may well find she gains comfort from keeping that last one ‘just in case’ and it never gets used. Gradually there are fewer tokens given.

She would also be old enough to talk about a weaning party or special treat. We don’t want too much emphasis on the ‘you’re a big girl now’ stuff because that sounds pretty scary. Big girls want cuddles and mummy too – but she might be ready for something new that celebrates her moving on.

It’s OK to talk about what’s happening. This is her first intimate relationship and you are teaching important lessons about empathy and understanding. Mummy’s milkies are getting ready to stop breastfeeding soon. We will find new ways to give cuddles and be close. A three year old may also have ideas about a cosy reading corner and a new bedtime routine.

Remember

This might not be easy but you are allowed to stop. You have given such a magical gift to your child but that doesn’t mean you have to continue breastfeeding beyond a point that feels right for you. I once heard a mother of a toddler say she simply couldn’t ‘bear’ breastfeeding anymore. She counted the seconds in her head until each feed finished and felt physically uncomfortable. Is it in that toddler’s interest for his mother to carry on?

If we say mothers of older nurslings are not allowed to wean, we will be frightening people of younger children who will feel stuck on a path. We do not want a world where mothers of nine month olds are ending breastfeeding because ‘it’s easier when they’re younger’.

Breastfeeding can continue when it’s right for toddler AND mother. It can also end when it feels right.

There are forums and Facebook pages with other mums in your situation who you may be able to share your decision and your journey with. You can make up your own rules. You may decide to pause along the way. Perhaps when you have finished night-weaning, it will suddenly seem more manageable for a while. Just see how you feel.

My book is available now from Amazon.co.uk and from other retailers.

"You may be worried about breastfeeding and worried that it might ‘not work’. This is a common feeling when you live in a society where breastfeeding is often sabotaged by incorrect information, patchy support from a stretched health service and powerful messages from formula companies. But it’s not a feeling that is entirely logical. We are mammals. We get our name from the dangly milk-producing bits. It defines us.

This book aims to make you as well-prepared as possible. I would like you to breastfeed for as long as you want to and as happily as possible. I want you to feel supported.

Some of this new life with baby will be about flexibility, responsiveness and acceptance. If you are used to a world of schedules and decisions and goals, it may be a bit of a shock. Learn about human biology before you think it sounds a bit too scary! Babies are the products of millions of years of evolution, and we are too; if we can just tap into our instincts and trust them a little bit.

Success comes when we tap into those instincts and when we know when to get help when our instincts aren’t answering all of our questions.

Can everyone who wants to breastfeed make it work? No. Not everyone may be able to exclusively breastfeed due to medical issues. Most of these people can give their baby breastmilk, though, which the book also covers. (And let’s not start this journey by imagining you’ll be someone who won’t make it...!)"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B019JE5E44

41 Comments

Christine

5/13/2014 08:10:32 am

Super post (read whilst nursing my 2yr old off to her nap!)
Lovely to remember to empathise with what they're going through
We've used some of the techniques to cut down on feeds and recommend the methods you've mentioned. xx

Emma Pickett

5/13/2014 11:56:05 am

Thank you Christine. Much appreciated :)

Aimee La Buy Crane, IBCLC link

5/14/2014 06:40:06 am

Beautifully written article. Thank you for your scholarship and sensitivity to the toddler's emotional needs. I will be very comfortable sharing this post with families. Kudos!

rehana link

12/16/2014 07:49:07 pm

I am stopping breast feeding my daughter after 18 months. I have done my part and enjoyed bonding and nurturing my daughter and providing healthy nutrients and antibodies to her body.

http://www.breastfeedingmum.com/stop-breastfeeding/

Gemma

3/11/2015 01:37:26 am

Thank you so much. My little girl is two next week, and I want to end our journey. This has made me see that there is no need for me to feel guilty, as emotional as it is. I will be trying some of these ideas.

Laura

8/4/2015 05:52:35 am

Thanks so much this is so helpful. Some great gentle advice here

Ella

5/4/2016 12:47:56 am

Helpful article, I am looking forward to the baton twirling! My youngest is 3yrs & 2mths and every time I think the frequency is slowing right down, she then must realise and becomes obsessed with asking for boob. Counting down a warning of 10 seconds till boob gets put away (back in its bra) once I'd let her have 5 or so mins, worked briefly, as did my boob having a voice "Mrs Boob says not now!", currently it's only booby when it's dark. So she will still be up when it just gets dark and she will gleefully tell me "Oh look Mummy! IT'S DARK... Surrender your boobs unto me!" (Ok not those exact words..) it's just as well she's my 4th, so I know how fast they grow up... so despite me getting fed up with breastfeeding (pretty much non stop since 3rd child in Nov'10, then her), when she is falling asleep like an adorable baby on my lap, it makes it easier to carry on!

Amanda

5/22/2016 06:15:36 am

Great article, I find myself sharing it so often with mums looking to wean their toddler it's a permanently open tab on my iPad. Particularly like the checklist of reasons why you're weaning, that's helped me a great deal with my 23 month old son, we're still going strong & no sign of stopping yet. Thanks Emma :-)

sara last

5/24/2016 09:07:39 pm

I liked the first part of your post which explains what a rejection it is to child to be refused a breastfeed which is about security and attachment to mother.

However I was disappointed that your weaning advice which followed did not appear in tune with this philosophy, by suggesting distraction and inevitable tears.

You very rightly previously stated not to offer milk in a cup instead of a feed as it is 'mother' that child needs. I would suggest that when you detect the child is about to ask for a feed, instead of distraction which will not do anything to fill the loss of the feeding attachment, the mother should instead hold her child in a close embrace and cuddle and kiss him. Mum should do this regularly throughout the day to refill her babes tank with the love which used to be milk.

It is also very very important to validate the child's feelings of upset by saying ''I know your upset that mummy is not feeding you now. I love you still, come let us cuddle''

I also think as a consultant you should point out that a decision to wean should never be taken lightly and partial weaning if you must is always better. Gradual and with lots of love is the way to go. Allow your child to cuddle on your breast skin to skin too.

Sinead Mitchell

7/8/2016 04:29:11 pm

Great read - looking at possibly night-weaning 2 year old....and/or cutting down daytime feeds (is great outdoors when distracted!)..Thank you - these articles help - permission helps!

Sophie

1/26/2017 12:57:42 pm

I'm trying to wean my nearly 22mo. He was just having morning and evening feeds and while we were away last week, didn't ask for morning feeds, so I thought it was a good opportunity to start stopping. I really loved the connection and am trying to find a way to maintain it. Only thing is, he rushes around and doesn't want to sit to read and have a cuddle (and I'm trying to get ready for work too). I try and have a bit of a play. He asks a bit about milk but I explain it's finished/gone. Any tips much appreciated!

Jessie

2/4/2017 07:28:13 pm

Thank you for sharing so much of your expertise! What an amazing resource.

I have been looking for information on night weaning. My son is 28 months old and nights have just become a complete joke. He's up yelling "MILK!" every hour or two at night and has started demanding both breasts, and often shouts for more 15 min or so after having some. I am going crazy. I'd love to take a gentle, gradual approach as you have suggested but I'm afraid I just don't or won't have the energy or resilience for it. I'm a wreck after 2 or 3 sleepless nights.

Sam

6/7/2017 05:34:51 pm

I'm in the same boat as you with night feeding every couple of hours. As I'm back at work now it is killing me! How did you cope? Xx

6/7/2017 10:03:55 pm

Thank you so much for this article. It is the best I have read about weaning toddlers and beyond -really helps me to think about it from my daughter's point of view. I plan to follow this when the time is right.

Lily

7/3/2017 02:26:23 pm

This article and the subsequent comments from readers have helped to make me feel a little less alone and a little less down on myself, so thank you.

I have found it so hard to find anything or anyone with positive things to say about continuing to breastfeed to the age that my daughter is (22 months) and that has been so hard. Just when I have needed reassurance and praise for my efforts the most I have found them to be so severely lacking and instead all I feel is judgement and negativity from loved ones and in everything I have found to read on the subject. As if deciding to wean and then trying to do it isn't enough of an emotional rollercoaster and inevitable guilt-inducer, it seems people everywhere need to offer their 'wisdom' on all the hundreds of things I am doing and have done wrong that mean my daughter still can't go to sleep at night without me and my breasts to feed from and that she still wakes often and will not settle again with anyone or anything else.

I am so tired of feeling like mine and my daughter's breastfeeding journey is something I have got wrong; I don't know how else I could have done it, I went with my instincts from the beginning because that is all I knew how to do and those instincts were so strong and made me feel so good and like I was doing something well for the first time in my life, how could I have done it differently and why would I have wanted to?

I am mostly ready to start the final weaning process but only if I can find a way to do it that doesn't cause either of us any more stress, anxiety and tears. It's going to be slow I would imagine and finally after reading this article, I am happy and confident to let it take as long as it takes. I can't wait forever, I am desperate to have another baby and my periods have not come back despite my daughter only feeding to go to sleep at night and when she wakes in the night (usually 3 or so times). But I am going to try some of the suggestions and am confident we can do it if I am patient but determined, and most of all if I trust my ability to read my daughter; that has worked so far and that is how we are down to the number of feeds we are at now.

I hope no one else has to feel as alone as I have done about all of this and look forward to reading more with this sort of approach on the subject.

Rebecca

8/22/2017 08:48:27 am

Thanks very much for this thoughtful and accurate depiction of the situation. It is really supportive to see that there are people understanding what toddlers and mums are going through and can think of suggestions different than "dad can take over bedtime" or "give a cup of milk".
Hugs!

Kim

10/4/2017 01:16:14 am

Lily,
I'm still breastfeeding my 3 year old daughter, so take heart and know you're in good company.
She loves it, just loves it so much, and though I haven't slept well in 3 years (she feeds morning, nap, and night, then a few times each night), I keep awaiting her to wean herself. May never happen at this rate...yet she's always my sunshine, and a bright joyful happy strong girl in this world. I'd like to thank my boobs for giving her such a sunny start.
Thanks to this amazing woman writing this funny and heartfelt article for me (I have been hoping for a guide to help me wean my daughter since she was 2), I also feel more confident to go about it in a smart, loving, easy going way. Thank you for all your wisdom here!
I'm an attachment mom and my daughter has slept between my husband and myself since birth.
(The reason she's still an only child!)
Wishing every mom here such love and light for giving your heart and lovingmilk to your babes, as long as you wish...

Ruth

10/7/2017 09:35:32 pm

I love this article and as a peer supporter find myself recommending it often. However anything written about weaning always seems to assume you only have one child! I'm tandem feeding a 6week old and nearly 3yo, who I would like to wean at some point... where to start?! I suspect if I left him to self wean he'd be years still and I'm finding tandeming really hard

Emma Pickett

10/11/2017 05:05:06 pm

Hi Ruth,

I actually think all the same techniques can be applied except the need for communication is even more important as obviously your 3 year old will be seeing breastfeeding going on and breastfeeding will still be part of his normal life. The good news is that at this age, he'll understand much more, be able to understand much more complex concepts than 18 month old Bob and understand that he gets food in different ways. This is certainly not a time when some of the old lies can be trotted out ('mummy's boobs are broken now') and honest communication will be the answer if you do feel you need to start making restrictions. But of course, he's had a tricky few months. Your supply changed dramatically during pregnancy and now life has been transformed by a new baby. Sometimes we get a burst of renewed interest in breastfeeding at this point that does settle down. See you how feel in a bit.

Marion AlQurashi

3/16/2018 08:51:57 pm

It’s such a beautifully written article, sensitive to the need of the child and the parents - I have shared it with many mums. I wish I had come accros it when I weaned my daughter when she was 28 months but I guess I did instinctively did the same method but it would have been lovely to have the reassurance that I was doing ok. I am now feeding my 15months old who is refusing day feeds and feeding all night not quite ready to wean yet but just wanted to say how I loved your book too :)

Emma Pickett

3/17/2018 12:03:17 am

Thank you for your kind words, Marion.

Kate

1/21/2019 02:13:46 pm

Hi, my 26 month old is like bob in terms of feeding, except he can talk. I'd like to fully wean over the next year but really want to avoid letting him scream about it. I want a gentle nurturing approach. I also want to teach him to sleep with my husband sometimes instead of me as I currently feed him to sleep and then sleep in his bed from his first night waking. He can sleep at nursery on his own and also in the buggy, car or carrier without me or boob, just not in his bed (or any bed). How should I adapt the 2 approaches you describe. I feel like if I do nothing now then when he's 3 he'll still feed like bob... Thanks.

Emma Pickett

1/21/2019 03:32:28 pm

Hi Kate, I think the best plan is to find a local BFC/ LLL leader or IBCLC who can help support you through the process. They can help you brainstorm ideas and work out what you want to prioritise.

Whether or not you have someone else, you've got lots of time which will really enable you to reflect on what you want to do and the best way for everyone. I imagine the first step is about changing the breast/ sleep association. That is likely to mean something like the Pantley pull-off and I would recommend her book for toddlers and pre-schoolers. Her approach is very gentle and she talks more widely about techniques like the gentle withdrawal method which I think you would find helpful. So a lot of this is about sleep and his feelings around sleep. Then it's about seeing how he emotionally responded to that and how he is then feeding in the day so you can make decisions about next steps. One step at a time. But you may be surprised how it goes. A Bob at 26 months really might not be one at 36 months, especially if you have gently moved away from breastfeeding.

Kate

1/22/2019 01:51:58 pm

Thanks for your reply. I've actually read her no cry nap solution when my son was much younger, although at that time I was happy feeding him to sleep, I just wanted to be able to put him down rather than have him in my arms for sleep. Now that's no problem at all luckily. I don't know if the pull out technique will help as we can already do it, but I'll have another look at her book. I'm trying to get my husband to lie with us when our son goes to sleep so hopefully he will begin to associate the 2.

Daisy

5/28/2019 03:00:13 pm

I love this article and revisit it often - I wish there was more written on the subject of stopping with an older child! My daughter is 15 months and fully night weaned, can use a cup, eats cheese all day long but wants to breast feed for comfort SO MUCH. I’ve had enough but feel so guilty and if I refuse she gets really upset so I give in. Are there any other resources or articles you recommend on this subject? This literally seems to be the only one that shows any understanding of what it’s like.

Kate

8/18/2019 05:37:00 pm

What is the youngest age the 3 year old token system can work. My son is 2 yrs 8 months and his feeding has really increased recently. He fed 20 times in 24 hrs one day this week (full boobs, not just a little). He is otherwise well and eating, although maybe going through a leap. So far all I've progressed to is not feeding him while im walking about or having dinner...

Emma Pickett

8/18/2019 07:44:10 pm

Hi Kate,

It’s really individual as children develop at such different rates and in different ways. I think you can have a conversation with him and see how it goes. I think only you can really assess. Sorry if that sounds like a cop out! Good luck!

Jacqui

9/30/2019 09:53:22 pm

I love this article, I have a 2 year old little boy who I am hoping to wean very soon. We currently feed to sleep and are doing don’t offer but I am also refusing until bed time. He feeds once or twice through the night and in the morning before we get up. He has recently become difficult with my husband and mil while I am at work, asking for mummy and booby and crying inconsolably and they have tried everything with him. I don’t know where to go from here as I feel like I need my body back but I’m not sure how he will cope without it. It doesn’t help either that he currently has chicken pox and so is feeling under the weather. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Emma Pickett

10/1/2019 12:26:54 pm

Hi Jacqui,
Sorry things are tough. I wouldn't suggest you try and do too much analysis at the moment as chicken pox will change everything and it's likely he was feeling under the weather before symptoms appeared. He is at the age where he's likely to be more reflective of relationships and connections and that's normal. It may not be possible to wean without some upset from him and that doesn't mean that it's not right to go with your gut and end breastfeeding if that's what you want to do. You are entitled to wean. But equally he's entitled to feel his feelings and be disappointed. I would suggest you wait until he's completely recovered and see where you are. Over time, other carers will develop their own strategies to support him when you aren't around and that isn't something you can have much control over. Feel free to email me if you'd like to chat further.

Katy

2/17/2020 10:54:06 pm

Just wanted to say thank you for this article. It’s given me some really useful tips on how to gently wean my almost four-year-old off his night time feeds. Love your style of writing and the sense of humour that came through, whilst also being sensitive. I can now see why my “you need to stop because you’re getting a big boy” approach wasn’t working. The poor thing is now petrified of growing up and going to school, which was just making him feed more! Will definitely be taking a different approach from now on. Thank you.

Sophie

11/9/2020 01:57:42 am

I could have cried reading this, finally an approach I can relate do and have a bit of hope towards. My daughter is 18 months early December and I am really done breast feeding. It’s compromising my mental health, her meal times (I feel she has far more milk than food most of the time!) her sleep (and mine) her mood her learning everything. My heart breaks watching her play with my mum who has nothing to “offer” her so she will happily play and learn yet with me it’s a few mins then ooo boob is here and available! In laws have told me plenty of times the reason she’s mummy’s girl is that she’s breast fed and that it will change to daddy’s girl when I stop. Which really doesn’t help me feel any better. I co sleep I know I need to get her into her cot I just didn’t want to take two comforts away at once (me and milk). I managed to night wean her with ease to my shock, she did it in two days I did the cold Turkey and she didn’t even cry just softly moaned. I replaced it with lots of cuddles her bed time song and rocking then was able to lay her down and she would cuddle up to me. Fast forward two weeks and she’s nursing worse than ever almost like a 8-9 months old baby. I don’t know if it’s the fact she’s teething or senses I want to stop! I’m at my wits end, night times for the past week have consisted of her screaming if I refuse breast and try to comfort her the way I did previously. Finally managed to get her onto a lovey which she throws aggressively when she wants milk so that doesn’t help. I don’t know what to do it where to start. I suffer with severe migraines, and hair loss and I can’t solve either of these problems because of nursing. I’m starting to compromise my own Heath when I know that it’s only for comfort that she feeds. I made the mistake of feeding her to sleep it’s my first baby with 4 losses and 7 years TTC before her ive made mistakes along the way because I adored her so much but now I would really like to stop I don’t know where to start people I’ve tried to reach out to just say well that’s motherhood for you or this is what you wanted you wanted a baby how can you complain...any advise extremely appreciated x

Emma Pickett

11/9/2020 09:43:26 am

Hi Sophie,
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. You are allowed to complain and you are allowed to find this hard and struggling without needing support is not 'motherhood'. I would start by saying you haven't necessarily made a mistake by feeding to sleep in the past, though I completely understand why it might feel that way now. Breastfeeding to sleep is what nature was expecting you to do. It's meant that she has received higher fat content milk, was calmed, felt breastfeeding (and you) was her safe place. Breastmilk contains sedatives but it's designed to be connected with sleep. You have developed a relationship with her which is based on her feeling safe and loved, alongside the perfect food source. Comments like, 'she'll become a daddy's girl' are just people who don't have a lot more to say.

You night weaned once and you can do it again. And you will. As is clear, this process is hard for both of you, and it's important to acknowledge that she may struggle. Her crying may be a protest and she is entitled to express those emotions just as you are entitled to still move forward.

You will take this one step at a time. You will still be there for her and offer her other ways to be comforted. She may get angry. She may throw something. But you will be there for her and she will find other ways to fall asleep. Every time she falls asleep in another way is a victory. You may be more tired in the short term as you have to be more alert at night. Sometimes it helps to know that your goal is not to eliminate her tears or pretend she isn't feeling emotions during this process but acknowledging those feelings, letting her express them and still moving forward. Good luck.

Trista

11/24/2020 10:33:48 pm

I googled "how to wean a child" at 2am this morning while my 4 year old had me by the nipple, having kicked hubby out of our bed to have boobies with mummy. Sometimes I hate breastfeeding so much it makes me want to cry. Some days I hate every time anyone touches me. Some days I'm so exhausted I put the tv on so my little boy doesn't see how fed up mummy really is. It's not everyday, but I can safely say I am so very done with breastfeeding. But, I feel so guilty st the idea of taking away something he loves so much. He gives "booby cuddles" and he kisses them and tells them he loves them. Not mummy. Nope. The boobies. For the most part we do boobies to sleep and when he wakes up. He doesn't normally need me throughout the night. But sometimes he's like a newborn and I get no sleep and it drives me insane.
I posted my desperation on a FB page for breastfeeding with thousands of mums that are usually very helpful. I got one reply that told me to google it. I feel so alone, because everyone else has figured out how to stop feeding ages ago. When I was pregnant, I read that kids will self wean when they're ready, and then he never did. I thought it would end naturally when the time was right, instead I'm the only mum I know that breastfeeds a preschooler.
Anyway, I'm sorry for venting, I really just wanted to thank you for the article and for giving me some way forward. I'm going to try some of these techniques. I just need my body back for a bit before we end up with another child and it all starts over again. So thankyou for loving way you suggest weaning. About to go make a bedtime book for us now!

Kate

11/25/2020 09:21:26 am

Hi, I just want to say i totally understand. I feed my 4 year old and 7 month old. I really wanted to wean naturally and he nearly did in February but then with pregnancy and then his grandad passing away, then covid changing his life, then his brother arriving etc etc. It increased when baby was born then we managed to get it back to just before and after sleep at night or nap sleep, but he sometimes wakes in the night and is upset when I say no, which is wasn't before after we night weaned gently in October last year. I think seeing his brother getting it makes it harder. My husband doesn't get it at all. This morning my eldest woke and didn't want to wait for baby to have his turn first and got really cross, then hubby tried to intervene but was also cross and then it all fell apart from there, with hubby cross with me for failing to teach the older boy to calm without boob etc etc. He actually can mostly but still wants boob if he's very upset. I don't allow it by day anymore for self preservation reasons and it's mostly not an issue. Just sometimes like this morning I get so frustrated because if he'd stayed quiet and cuddled in for 5 mins, baby would have fallen asleep and he could have had his morning boob. It doesn't help that we all share a bed. His cabin bed will arrive next month but currently both boys and I are in the same super king all night. I love cosleeping but I don't know if being there all night is making it harder for the eldest. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've decided for me and our boy and my husband we will wean before he starts school in August. I know some people don't and that's fine. But it's not fine for us. Not exactly sure how we will do it. It was mostly gentle but also some forced aspects after the baby came. It might have been easier before, but now he's older and much more able to understand. I think he really needed boob earlier this year. X

Sam

12/2/2020 12:16:54 pm

Great article thank you. However it actually made me decide not to wean my 14 mo. I think I am just a bit frustrated with some night feeds and sometimes it is uncomfortable because I have allowed bad habits. But actually I am happy to continue and let her self wean (my first did at 16 months), it would just be really nice to know she will self wean soon/ at some point?! She is much more interested in bf than my first so I can't se her self weaning soon. Any advice?!

Emma Pickett

12/3/2020 09:29:28 am

Hi Sam,
It sounds as though you are happy to continue but then you are also perhaps hoping for self-weaning and thinking about limits. I think it's really normal to have these sort of mixed feelings. I will be honest and say and self-weaning at 16 months is quite unusual and you could be looking at another year or more. Certainly, your 14 month old will self-wean at some point and if at any point, your situation doesn't feel right, you can change it. I would take things week by week and month by month. You might find it helpful to work on some limits - like reducing night feeds and shortening the length of some feeds. Sometimes just injecting a bit more control at your end can make all the difference. Good luck.

Sam Flew

12/3/2020 09:41:50 am

Thanks so much Emma, that is helpful. To set my expectations that I shouldn't expect baby Number 2 to follow exactly as Number 1 did as that's unusual. I did try and limit night feeds but it seems to be the only thing that easily soothes her and when you are tired it's too easy to just go with what works!
Thank you.

Brandi

2/19/2021 01:58:20 pm

Goodness I needed this. 'This might not be easy but you are allowed to stop.' Brought tears to my eyes. My daughter is 3y10m and I'm just so ready and she's just not. This is something I need to do for myself, so thank-you for this beautiful, empathetic perspective.

Chai

9/13/2021 11:25:06 am

I just wanted to say thank you so much for this. It's by far the best post I read on weaning and literally the ONLY one that focused on the importance of building the comfort/connection in other ways rather than the very common (and not always practical or helpful) suggestion to "just" get your partner or someone else to take over things like bedtime.

Anna

1/7/2022 08:37:21 pm

Such a great informative read! Really like the emphasis on the emotional connection between mother and child in the breastfeeding relationship. So frustrating when people try to simplify things as if it were so easy as to just have dad do bedtimes or to give milk in a cup! I’m currently tandem feeding my 2.5 year old and newborn, although it’s tough it is also really important to keep that connection time between my toddler and I.

Anna W

6/8/2022 09:47:19 pm

What a great little find! Been trying to wean my 2.5 year old for many (6) months, using all sorts, animal parallels visiting the farm and highlighting just the babies have milk etc. When bigger, eat food. But she wasn't impressed and other big girl topics not really appreciated. Finishing/completing boobie has been an open topic for a while, and one time she said "but I like boobie........and talking" as we chat about the day at that time. She also said when we end she would "be sad and cry". Totally heartbreaking stuff. I've shed plenty of tears already. "Don't like mummy", why because we're finishing boobie soon? "Yes". And so on.

So anyway finding this article again, while on search for fresh ideas, just highlighted even more clearly that the replacement isn't the liquid. It's me she wants (not bragging, she doesn't like me at the moment ;)). The time talking and so on. So at the moment we have a cup of milk day, and a boodie day alternating. All days we have time on my bed to talk about the day and I've now added in a journal where we draw what we did and dicuss the emotion pictures in the journal (designed for 3-6 years) and pick the different feelings. Having this before boobie is meaning boobie time is a bit shorter as she's getting some of what she wants/needs through the talking and drawing time.

I'll see how it goes but thank you for the reminders of what she's actually looking for. Time to draw closer not further away. Time to up the reassurance. Be open and honest. And find what it is they really love. Mine did say the flavour as well. So there is some non emotional, physical fondness too :)
Anyway, thanks again, love reading the comments as well, so might be back again to read others experiences and tips as I'm sure this won't be quick or linear. What has been so far with a little one? Or is it just mine?

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Weaning toddler Bob and pre-schooler Billie: how do you stop breastfeeding an older child?

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Author:
Emma Pickett IBCLC

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Weaning toddler Bob and pre-schooler Billie: how do you stop breastfeeding an older child?

Leave a Reply.

Author:Emma Pickett IBCLCFind me on twitter: @makesmilkFind me on pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/makesmilk/youve-got-it-in-you-a-positive-guide-to-breastfeed/

Categories

Archives

Author:
Emma Pickett IBCLC

Find me on twitter: @makesmilk

Find me on pinterest:
https://www.pinterest.com/makesmilk/youve-got-it-in-you-a-positive-guide-to-breastfeed/