Emma Pickett breastfeeding support
  • Home
  • Free support in Haringey
  • Contact
  • Private consultations in North London
  • Video consultations
  • A walk in the woods
  • Videos
  • Links
  • Twitter and blog
  • Training
  • Ending breastfeeding

The Breastfeeding dad

11/18/2011

12 Comments

 
I worked with a new family for the second time today. I won't go into too much detail but things aren't going well with breastfeeding and mum is in a lot of discomfort.

As I left them today with plans to see them next week, I knew absolutely that the dad was holding them all together. I am not doubting the determination or commitment of that brand new mother recovering from her difficult birth and finding life was tough but that father - of only a few days - had precisely the strength that his new family needed.

He sat quietly while she described her experiences and her perception of what was going wrong, he gently prompted and corrected when it was appropriate to do so and all the time he gave off this force that said, "I know we can do this. I know this is the best thing. We are going to make this work."  He actually said out loud, "We believe in this."


At one point mum was concerned she might not be able to go on and he said softly, "the low point was two nights ago. You've come really far since then. Things are getting better" and he explained how. And she said, "Yeah, you're right" and calmed immediately.

He praised her without being sappy. He took the baby to calm him at just the right moments. He listened carefully to what was discussed because he knew he was part of this breastfeeding thing too.

He knew that in the middle of the night, when she felt she just couldn't cope, it mattered that he'd paid attention to the right positioning and latching. Not least because sometimes it really helps to have that second pair of eyes looking from a different angle and observing whole body position.


Let's just assume for practical purposes that this bloke must be a prat in other ways as no one could be that perfect - however he absolutely knew how to be a breastfeeding dad.


And I see a lot of dads like that.

It's surprisingly often that it's dad who calls the National Breastfeeding Helpline. It's clear something wasn't going right and for whatever reason mum couldn't face making that call. So dad does and almost always manages to get mum on the phone in the end.

And it's dads who research where the breastfeeding groups are, phone the lactation consultants, get the troops lined up when things aren't going well. They give mum the space she needs and over and over again manage to manouver the support just when it's needed. Yes, sure, some of that is because men like to try and solve problems. They see a difficulty and want to fix it in the face of feeling somewhat helpless. But these same 'helpless men' come to consultations and express their worries while empowering and supporting their wives at the same time. It's a subtle and impressive skill. Especially when you're sleep-deprived.


Dads use some of that diplomacy even when things are going well with breastfeeding. Most new parents today weren't breastfed themselves as infants in the 1970s and 1980s. We are the generation of the formula-feeding grannies. Some of those older women become awesome champions of breastfeeding and some struggle to witness something they don't understand. The dads are the knights at the gatehouse - letting through only the right support. They act as the barrier between new mum and mother-in-law who might not know when to step back. They make sure that the new mum and baby can make the nest they need to.

My own husband, who is a chump in about half a dozen different ways, was one of these champions of breastfeeding. It was something he knew nothing about it. But he trusted me. Not for a moment did he doubt my instincts or my drive to try and get this right. When things weren't always straight-forward, he was able to help me find solutions without ever leaving me feeling disempowered. He knew nothing of breastfeeding through pregnancy or feeding older children but he trusted me. He never questioned me or doubted me. He knew exactly when to step in and step back. And it's something I can never thank him enough for. I know it was largely down to his support that I felt able to train as a breastfeeding counsellor and then qualify eventually as a lactation consultant.


And I know that in a few years time, the mother I supported today will feel the same way about her husband.

Most mums won't end their breastfeeding careers as lactation consultants but that same feeling of support will get them through their own challenges. 

Breastfeeding dads might be good at nappies and burping and baths and making sandwiches and passing the remote control but that's a tiny slice of what they can do. They can provide a bedrock where a new mother learns how she wants to be a new mother and where breastfeeding can flourish.

 




Picture
Picture
My book is available now from Amazon.co.uk and from other retailers.

"You may be worried about breastfeeding and worried that it might ‘not work’. This is a common feeling when you live in a society where breastfeeding is often sabotaged by incorrect information, patchy support from a stretched health service and powerful messages from formula companies. But it’s not a feeling that is entirely logical. We are mammals. We get our name from the dangly milk-producing bits. It defines us. 

This book aims to make you as well-prepared as possible. I would like you to breastfeed for as long as you want to and as happily as possible. I want you to feel supported. 

Some of this new life with baby will be about flexibility, responsiveness and acceptance. If you are used to a world of schedules and decisions and goals, it may be a bit of a shock. Learn about human biology before you think it sounds a bit too scary! Babies are the products of millions of years of evolution, and we are too; if we can just tap into our instincts and trust them a little bit. 

Success comes when we tap into those instincts and when we know when to get help when our instincts aren’t answering all of our questions. 

Can everyone who wants to breastfeed make it work? No. Not everyone may be able to exclusively breastfeed due to medical issues. Most of these people can give their baby breastmilk, though, which the book also covers. (And let’s not start this journey by imagining you’ll be someone who won’t make it...!)"

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B019JE5E44

12 Comments
Rebekah
11/19/2011 09:44:56 am

Well said. I feel the same way about my husband!

Reply
Merry
11/20/2011 05:32:00 am

Lovely, I don't think I could have made it without my partner either! Very important!

Reply
Cat
11/20/2011 05:44:07 am

Made me cry...we're 17 weeks in now and it hasn't always been easy, but my husband has always been by my side, gently encouraging me. I wouldn't have got this far without him.

Reply
Holly link
11/20/2011 06:10:56 am

This made me cry, breastfeeding is the most amazing thing but I have been doing it without support my babies dad has not even met her.
I would love to have this support so much in a way I wish I did. Maybe next time (if there is a next time) good on those dads. A pat on the back for myself too for 14 sucessful weeks of breastfeeding.!

Reply
Bridget
11/20/2011 06:11:14 am

This has me in floods. I am breastfeeding 18 month old twins. I remember those first terrifying and frustrating days...but mostly the nights. My husband is not talkative. But he was at my side. Always. When the breastfeeding consultants came, he was there. When my brother was visiting and was so frustrated at not being able to help he went out to buy bottles and formula, it was my husband who called off the search. He has always supported me. First that hard time to maneuvre two tiny people into position at the same time, to get their latches right...and now the comments that they are too old for breastfeeding. That silent support is as solid as a rock.

Reply
Kate
11/20/2011 06:30:07 am

Lovely post, very moving. @Holly (((hugs))) you are doing an amazing job and your baby is a very lucky little girl to have such a wonderful mummy who is doing such a beautiful thing for her. Not all dads / partners are like this Holly, I hope you get this support next time. xxxxx

Reply
Emma Pickett
11/20/2011 08:56:02 am

Thank you so much for your special comments, everyone. It means a great deal.
Holly - you certainly deserve that pat on the back. I hope you have other support but I know it's not quite the same. And I very much hope you end up with the supportive and loving relationship you deserve. Very best wishes.

Reply
Mudlding Along link
11/21/2011 07:19:14 am

I totally agree - Dads can make or break breastfeeding

My husband was incredibly good at the start - he sat there with our midwife and helped us learn positioning and attachment and was there to reinforce it once she had left

And as you say they can act as a breakwater, supporting and defending extended breastfeeding when others struggle to accept your choice in the face of theirs

Reply
Joann
6/22/2015 08:04:08 pm

Yes, a husband can make or break. When we found out our first baby was losing weight instead of gaining, he made sure I knew that he had known all along that I would never be able to bf.
I am currently bfing baby eight, with a supplementer, and I've worked very hard to increase supply over the years. That one comment (and it's accompanying attitude) is still like a lead weight at times.
It is beyond wonderful to hear stories of supportive dads. Very encouraging!

Reply
Beth link
11/28/2011 05:02:17 pm

Thanks for this post! My hubby deserves a shout out too. To cut a very long story short he has been the primary carer for a FF baby in the past and so I wasn't sure what he would think about my determination to EBF. And I definitely didn't really expect him to actually take on board the information we were given at the bf antenatal class. But in those first weeks, he was so good at looking at our latch and telling me if it looked right. And he was pretty much always right! Now babs is 5 months old, the couple of times I've said 'should we let him have a tiny bit of food' or 'a sip of water' he's said no - and again he's right; logically I know the LO isn't quite ready yet but sometimes it's hard to stick to that when you're tired. I really thought he would push for early solids or early water but he's kept me on the straight and narrow where I want to be, and he's always trusted my instincts (and I've always trusted his when I've not been sure of my own).

My hubby rocks and babs and I are extremely lucky :)

Reply
Lauren link
4/13/2014 11:06:21 pm

Great post, my partner saved my sanity as I had a lot of trouble breastfeeding early on from tongue tie & subsequent infected nipple tissue from a bad latch. It took a while to calm my brain & trust our combined instincts on things. I couldn't have done this without my other half :-)

Reply
villanova
12/18/2015 09:04:20 am

Just read this with tears in my eyes - we had terrible trouble with our first, including hospitalisation due to dehydration, but support from my husband and lactation consultant got me to get my wish & continue feeding through MRSA and mastitis - in fact, I've now been feeding continuously for 10yrs next month (our third will wean soon at 3). Another male friend (father of 4) actually helped me with my latch in the early days, before I found the experts. GO dads - let's coninue to support them with education and demonstration that bf works well for all the family.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Author:
    Emma Pickett IBCLC

    Find me on twitter: @makesmilk

    Find me on pinterest: 
    https://www.pinterest.com/makesmilk/youve-got-it-in-you-a-positive-guide-to-breastfeed/

    A Lactation Consultant supporting families in North London.

    Categories

    All
    A Message For GPs: When A Breastfeeding Mother Walks Through Your Door...
    Announcing...The Breast Book
    Babywearing
    Body Confidence And Breastfeeding
    Breastfeeding After 12 Months And Dental Decay
    Breastfeeding In Public
    Breastfeeding Is Just Like Golf! A Tiny Adjustment Makes All The Difference.
    Breastfeeding Through Pregnancy And Beyond
    Breast Language: 'Breastfeeding' Is Incredibly Unhelpful
    Colic Oversuppy And Reflux
    Come On England!
    Do Minutes Matter?
    Flat Nipples
    Friends In Your Pocket: A Few Words About Online Breastfeeding Support
    Grannies Matter
    How To Train As A Breastfeeding Counsellor
    I Don't Think I'm A Nazi
    I Know It Can Be Scary.
    Is THIS Normal? The First Week With A Breastfeeding Newborn
    It's Not Rocket Science. It's Biology.
    Lactation Cookies
    Latching: Like Trying To Put A Sock On A Snake
    Low Milk Supply 101
    Newborn Breast Refusal: When Baldy Doesn't Want Your Tit
    Newborn Breast Refusal: Why Didn't My Baby Get The Memo?
    Positions For Breastfeeding 101
    Shared Parental Leave: The Boobs Don't Come Off.
    Sometimes Responsive Feeding Looks Like This...
    #StayAtHome Breastfeeding
    Thank You For Breastfeeding In Public
    The Breastfeeding Dad
    The Dangerous Game Of The Feeding Interval Obsession
    The First Time You Breastfeed
    Toddler Breastfeeding In Lockdown
    Toddler Twiddling
    Weaning Toddler Bob And Pre-schooler Billie: How Do You Stop Breastfeeding An Older Child?
    When You're Pregnant There Are More Useful Things To Do Than Flipping Through A Catalogue.

    Archives

    July 2022
    February 2022
    June 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    July 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    September 2019
    July 2019
    April 2019
    October 2018
    September 2018
    June 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    July 2016
    February 2016
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    November 2014
    August 2014
    May 2014
    February 2014
    July 2013
    March 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    June 2012
    April 2012
    February 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly