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It's time to talk about Pamela Anderson

4/27/2012

25 Comments

 
I’m still thinking about sex and breastfeeding. And it appears quite a few other people are, based on the search terms that lead people to my blog.

<Waving hello to the seeker of a ‘sexy lactating woman’ or the person looking for something on ‘breastfeeding woman sex>

As previously mentioned, I’m speaking on the subject at the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers conference in Birmingham in June. I’m reading survey data (580 respondents), reflecting on academic papers and examining photographs of Pamela Anderson.

<Waving hello to the person who finds this blog after searching ‘Pamela Anderson’>

Let’s reflect on Pamela Anderson* for a moment. Let’s picture her in 1995 jogging along a beach in an efficiently- measured red swimming costume. And let’s think about her breasts.

Admirable.

Look natural?

Yes, perhaps if you are a breastfeeding mother. Yes, because that’s what newly- engorged maternal breasts look like.

The cult of the augmented breast is all about that inflated engorged look. Picture it running in slow motion...

Men do the manly equivalent of swooning.

That same breast with a baby attached or a baby nearby or...

...a drip of milk hanging?

Still swooning?

Good God, no.

Because that would make you WEIRD, wouldn’t it? Surely?

One subtle difference – referring to the inherent purpose of the mammary gland, the one associated particularly to that shape of breast - and WHOAH, a switch is expected to be flicked and sex is disconnected.

The Western cultural view of the attractive woman is an ultra-thin woman with large breasts. We are in a mix-up. Maternal engorged breasts but ‘tight abs’ and a non-maternal torso. Young women must diet to achieve the torso shape, inevitably leading to a reduction in breast size, so augmentation surgery becomes the norm. An ‘A cup’ is seen as abnormal, even a ‘B cup’. There is a proliferation of young women starting their adult life by artificially increasing their breast size to fit our cultural ideals.

Kathy Dettwyler makes some points in her essay, “Beauty and the Breast: the cultural context of breastfeeding in the United States” that are shocking to us because we are so embedded in these assumptions, even those of us constantly reflecting on the world of breastfeeding, that we struggle to see the big picture.

Dettwyler asks us to think about the foot-binding tradition of China. The tradition that existed in China for a considerably length of time where the fetish of the tiny foot developed to an extreme and young women mutilated themselves to fit the ideals of men’s desire and sexual attraction.

She says:

“Just as it was inappropriate for people in Chinese society to let the cultural idea that deformed feet were sexually stimulating overshadow their primary biological function for walking…it is inappropriate to let the very Western cultural idea that breasts are for men, overshadow their primary biological function for feeding children”

[P.202 Breastfeeding: Biocultural perspectives. Ed. Patricia Stuart-Macadam, Katherine A. Dettwyler]

You may think, “Come on!” It’s hardly a Western cultural idea that breasts are fanciable. Men are hardly able to control their urges that come from biology and inherent attraction. Give the poor guys a break. It’s not ‘culture’ that has the Baywatch slow-motion run so admired.

You may think.  You may think, “Hey, it’s evolution. We’re attracted to the breasts that look like they’ll be good providers – or something”.

However, the concept that the female breast is attractive is very much a cultural one and remarkably unpopular when you get down to the anthropology.

Yes, really.

In 1952, Ford and Beach undertook a cross-cultural survey of 190 cultures from around the world.

In just 13 of those cultures, men found breasts sexually appealing.

9 liked large breasts. 2 liked long pendulous breasts. 2 liked upright, hemispherical breasts.

And by the way, evolution would tell you fairly sharpish that large augmented-type breasts don’t necessarily make the most effective long-term breastfeeding breasts anyway. Those long pendulous ones may well do the job far better.

Humans live in societies that find breasts sexy and they LEARN to find breasts sexy.

This isn’t bad. This isn’t wrong. But it’s where we are.

It would make life a lot easier if we somehow managed to combine this reality with the notion that the primary purpose of the mammary gland is feeding young. If we could JUST find a way to value both of those things simultaneously, life would be a lot easier.

But we struggle. New mothers are struggling to work out how to incorporate their breasts into their sex lives. New fathers are not quite sure how to process some confusing feelings and whether they are allowed to talk about some of these confusing feelings. ARE we allowed to be turned on by dripping breasts? Are we allowed to find our wives feeding erotic? Is my mouth still allowed to touch this breast?

These are not conversations for the NCT dads’ night out in the pub.

So we forge on alone.

And there are huge repercussions for the wider view of breastfeeding in society. Dettwyler is particularly talking about American society but it’s applicable to the UK. She talks about how if breasts are primarily fulfilling their cultural purpose to be sexually attractive, then a woman breastfeeding must shun that view for a while (as long as she can bear) in order to fulfil her biological purpose.

Of course, feeding in public becomes a very different concept in the society of the highly sexualised breast. That means that women also are much less likely to see breastfeeding around them and girls grow up without ever having seen breastfeeding first hand.

HOW much TIME do those of us who support breastfeeding mothers spend talking about positioning and attachment?

And how many of those conversations might be redundant in a world where, when we finally come to breastfeed and hold our own child, our brain is full of images dating back decades?

And if breasts are sexual and breastfeeding is private and part of our ‘private world’, when a mother wants to bring breastfeeding into the workplace she’s sometimes up against it. Not least because breastfeeding is supposed to be short-lived, surely? What’s she doing still wanting to pump after 6 months or even a year?

We live in a society where the extended family is often Skype- based at best. The couple at the centre of the nuclear family is exalted. Our partners are expected to fill a huge space in our lives and we also live in a highly sexualised society.

And if we’re in a bit of a tizzy about how a lactating breast fits into our sex lives and how a lactating mother continues as a sexual person, is it so surprising that the rates of mothers still exclusively breastfeeding at 6 months is so underwhelming? I’m not saying exclusive breastfeeding rates at 6 months is hardly measurable because people just fancy a shag, but I am suggesting that our cultural attitudes towards the breast has a part to play.

Dettwyler was writing in the mid-1990s.

I think if she was writing today she may take a moment to also consider breastfeeding rates among young women. If you were born in the mid to late 90s and you are a teenage mum today, what imagery of the breast have you lived with your entire life? How much more explicit is the world of the music video? How many bare breasts are used in advertising? How many celebrity mums are ‘bouncing back’ into shape? That CAR ADVERT on TV this week has the cartoon jiggling lass with the impressive cleavage.

They have been bombarded their entire lives. And they get pregnant and we expect them to switch ALL that off instantaneously and embrace a concept that they may never have SEEN or thought about before that leaflet gets thrust into their hand. This isn’t just about whether their mothers might have breastfed. This is about the fact that they are surrounded by models of the normal breast as the one designed for sexual attraction. Constantly. We expect them and their partners to just switch all that off.

Spend 10 minutes on Twitter and search for the term ‘breastfeeding’. You’ll find the supporters and lactation consultants. And you’ll also find some very very confused teenagers and young people who are occasionally encountering women breastfeeding out of the home and they literally don’t know what to do themselves. They pick up their smartphones (which they imagine are entering them into a private dialogue with just a few friends) and express this confusion.

So what next?

Anyone educating young people about breastfeeding or working with teenage pregnant mums should explicitly talk about this culture. Watch the music videos. Look at the advertising. Talk about what’s been going on and where their feelings come from and acknowledge breastfeeding might not yet feel ‘normal’ and then try and explain why in fact it is.

And let’s talk to any new parent about breastfeeding and sex. Let’s not simply leave that to the lactation fetishists.

<Waving hello to the lactation fetishists>

A breastfeeding woman can be sexy without needing to go to bed wearing an industrial bra and breast pads and a desperate fear milk might APPEAR. I’m not expecting ‘Mother and Baby’ magazine to discuss how lactating breasts can be a normal part of foreplay but if an article like that was possible, I wonder how women might think about their bodies differently? Could there be a world where women can be both sexy and breastfeeding simultaneously without compartmentalizing themselves into the polarities of ‘Madonna’ or ‘Wife on a mini-break leaving the baby with the mother-in-law’? And if that integration happens, might more women and their partners imagine happily breastfeeding for longer?

I don’t know. But if we can find a way to find breasts sexy without losing touch of what their biological purpose is, it would be a brave new world.



*And the rather fabulous Pamela Anderson breastfed successfully with her implants. This isn’t about implants being incompatible with breastfeeding. It is about WHY implants are happening in the first place and what this tells us about how our society views the breast.

25 Comments
Helen
4/28/2012 12:58:52 pm

So thought provoking, Emma, thank you for bringing this out into the open. I'm a huge fan of Kathy Dettwyler as well. And so so true about how much TIME we spend talking about P&A because no one has ever seen it before!

Reply
Laura gulley
4/28/2012 01:46:09 pm

Yhank you for this post I wish more ppl thought like you and didn't lump you into one only category :)

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Carol Bartle link
4/28/2012 02:24:17 pm

Great article Emma. Love Kathy Dettwyler too and I'm sure she would find your blog of great interest. I will post it on 'my' Canterbury Breastfeeding Facebook page and tag Kathy so she can have a read. I also wondered if you had read the book 'Fresh Milk: The secret lives of breasts' by Fiona Giles, 2003, Allen and Unwin, NSW, Australia. I think you would enjoy reading this. I heard Fiona speak at a ILCA conference in Sydney quite a few years ago now and she was brilliant.

Reply
Emma
4/28/2012 02:45:09 pm

Carol - it's a fabulous book, isn't it? I would love to hear Fiona speak. And it would be a great honour if Kathy Dettwyler knew of my existence. She is incredible.

Thank you, everyone, for your comments.

Reply
Kathy Dettwyler link
4/28/2012 03:34:45 pm

Hey Emma! Waving to you!! Loved your writing style, and of course the content. :) Did you know my daughter Miranda (who lives in Wales) is giving a talk at a breastfeeding conference this summer in England? She's basically channeling me to talk about extended breastfeeding -- although she has her own first-hand experience from both sides of latch, now.

Kathy Dettwyler link
4/28/2012 03:35:44 pm

Perhaps you two are speaking at the same conference?

Ellen Kendall
5/3/2012 11:44:54 am

Sorry to hijack (am also a huge fan of Kathy's!), but was wondering about these two conferences - where and when are they? I'm researching extended breastfeeding and effects on child mortality in an archaeological setting - I'd be very interested in hearing both ladies speak.

Emma
4/28/2012 03:46:46 pm

Honoured to have you read my little blog! You are such an inspiration to so many of us. You have made such a difference to so many of us - especially those of us allowing our nurslings to self-wean. We have Ann Sinnott speaking about breastfeeding older children in Birmingham this year but no Miranda. It would be very very special if the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers could ever persuade you to join us for one of our annual conferences...

Reply
Nicole
4/28/2012 05:03:10 pm

I'm encouraged that much of this will change simply by us breastfeeding our children, and our children seeing breastfeeding. We're coming out of a period where nursing was just not something that was done, let alone seen.

Reply
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4/22/2013 02:21:23 am

Ja det finns en perfektion på denna webbplats trevligt att hålla på att fortsätta att vara tillbaka igen till din webbplats.

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mom
4/28/2012 05:27:36 pm

I try to really make breastfeeding the norm to my 3 sons. My 4 year old asked me yesterday what my super power was and I said "I make milk" and he smiled and said " yes, you do"

Reply
Kevin
4/28/2012 06:13:15 pm

I found this blog post via a friend on facebook, and I would like to say thank you!! As the husband and father to a wife and son who enjoyed an almost 4 year nursing relationship, I can understand some of the confusion that some fathers have about how to interact with the new aspect of their sexual relationship wife lactating wives. I found communication the key. As a man, ask questions about what your wife would like and would not like. I feel I have grown closer to my wife because of nursing. I found it so amazing that she and she alone fed my son exclusively for almost the first year of his life. Nursing is not always on a woman, imho, it is very hard to balance nursing, work, home life. As men, we need to be as supportive as possible, because it really is the best for our children and for our wives.

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casino-portugues link
4/29/2013 07:34:27 pm

Siempre es una gran pérdida cuando perdemos un alma creativa que hace que las artes continúan enriqueciendo la humanidad.

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Jenn link
4/28/2012 10:40:40 pm

Fabulous!! So many people are so quick to blame or point fingers at people who don't breastfeed, and I give you tremendous kudos for getting out of the blame game and just showing the facts how they are. Yes, our society sees breasts as mostly sexual, and when you phrase it the way you did--explaining how young women are bombarded with sexual images of the breast but very few images of lactating breasts--it makes it easy to see how many women are reluctant to breastfeed or don't understand how it can be done while still retaining their identities as sexual beings. How can we expect people to embrace something that is completely foreign to them when everything they've seen up until that point tells them that breasts are for a different purpose altogether?

This struck a chord with me personally too...I remember many awkward nights while I was nursing...my son & daughter would suddenly start to cry while my husband and I were being sexual, and my breasts would start to leak. I remember feeling mortified that I was leaking milk in the middle of what was supposed to be a sexy moment. I felt like I had to apologize...like leaking milk was the equivalent of peeing myself or something...something embarrassing that should be quickly covered up and cleaned away.

How ridiculous to be embarrassed about something so natural! And maybe, if I had just listened to what my husband was saying, I would have realized that he WASN'T grossed out or turned off by my breasts leaking milk. It was just part of the whole package, and he took it in stride. I was the one who got all flustered and embarrassed.

Thank you for writing this article...you have given me more insight into my own feelings, and you have inspired me to proactively broach the subject with my own daughter when she is of an appropriate age. I don't want her ever feeling embarrassed about the amazing things our bodies are designed to do.

And I hope more women come to the realization that blaming other women or putting them down for not breastfeeding does not help the cause...it only creates another generation of women who will not teach their children to breastfeed either. We should focus on education and put aside the judgment. We're not going to be able to change society's views on this unless we all work together as women and stop blaming each other for what isn't anyone's fault.

Again...amazing article...you absolutely nailed it. THANK YOU!! I'm Stumbling this for you...I hope many others happen upon it!

Smiles, Jenn



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elzabeth
4/28/2012 11:58:51 pm

What a wonderful post! Its time more people spoke out about things like this.
I vividly remember when my youngest daughter was about 8 weeks old, and whilst she was napping one afternoon, me and hubby decided to indulge in a little adult time, and mid-session I realised that milk had run all down me, across his chest and was pooling beside him! He didn't realise until the milk got cold and he wondered what was wet and cold beside him! Well, I just started laughing! I could hardly even speak to tell him what happened! But we both just laughed it off and carried on! Now it is just known to both of us that if he uses my breasts in foreplay that he may end up covered in milk, or god forbid, get a few drops in his mouth! ;) if he doesn't feel comfortable, then fine, I can put a bra on! (Although this is never requested)
But I know he finds me feeding my children amazing, and that's all that matters to both of us.

Reply
Emma
4/29/2012 12:09:46 am

Kevin - thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. I'm really happy a breastfeeding dad found his way to this page. If I could interview you for my talk, I definitely would. Your perspective is so important.

I think Jenn touched on something which is that breastfeeding women sometimes feel an embarrassment and discomfort that we project onto our partners. But once you communicate, as Elizabeth has done, we often realise it really isn't an issue. There are more important things to be focusing on.

Thank you for your support, Jenn. As a lactation consultant, I bend over backwards to avoid the blame game. And it's my understanding that those who indulge in it usually have a crude understanding of breastfeeding in our culture, the pressures on families and the issues with education and antenatal preparation and post-natal support.

Thank you so much to everyone who comments and shares their experiences. It's only by talking - to each other, our partners, our friends, our daughters - that we can make a shift.

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brenda
4/29/2012 06:45:21 am

i remember at our birth classes being asked how many of us would be breast feeding... all the moms said they were going to ''TRY'' it.... the instructor said only in north american culture would women say that. in any other culture we would look at her like she was nuts ''of COURSE i am going to breastfeed! how else would my baby get nurishment??''

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Jayne Threlfall link
4/29/2012 01:24:13 pm

Thank you for this great information Emma, I will post this on our Bosom Pals Facebook page. We are nearly at the end of Peer Support training so timing is great. Personally I have fond memories of lactating breasts >>>>>

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Emma
5/3/2012 01:04:40 pm

I'm speaking at the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers conference in Birmingham on the 16th June. Details here www.abm.me.uk. Ann Sinnott is joining us. I'm afraid I don't know about Kathy's daughter. Sounds interesting though.

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Roxy222uk
5/3/2012 02:42:48 pm

Thank you for this article. I have said the same many times. We can't judge people for finding breast feeding off putting or saying "it's not natural". If that's how they feel, that's how they feel, and there's a reason for it. If we really care about making breast feeding into a truly available choice for all women we have to face these feelings head on and accept them as valid. I dream of finding opinions like yours more often on breast feeding forums etc.

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Jenn
5/10/2012 07:38:06 pm

Great article!

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    Emma Pickett IBCLC

    Find me on twitter: @makesmilk

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    A Lactation Consultant supporting families in North London.

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