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"Don't offer, don't refuse."

2/8/2022

8 Comments

 
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When a mother decides it’s time to end breastfeeding and she looks for information online, she’s likely to come across the phrase, “Don’t offer, Don’t refuse.” Many sources describe this as a ‘weaning technique’. At least some are prepared to admit this is a ‘gentle weaning technique’. I would like to challenge the notion that it is a weaning technique at all. 

Even for those who are practicing gentle parenting and very much aiming to be child-led, I’m not sure it’s an ideal goal we should be endorsing as infant feeding support professionals. I suspect it was not created by someone who is currently feeding a 23-month-old who asks approximately every 30-40 minutes during a day including in the supermarket queue, from the back of the car, while you are stir-frying noodles, while you are caring for a newborn. I’m not sure it was created by someone who is struggling with aversion or who is working full-time (or even part-time). Or someone who would like to stop breastfeeding.

It's a weaning technique if standing in the rain is a ‘washing clothes technique’. You may get there one day, after a long time, but it may not be the most efficient method nor the most practical.

Parents that breastfeed and chestfeed often lose sight of their own needs. Too often I have supported mothers, especially those who began their mothering experience at the start of the pandemic, who slid from babyhood into toddlerhood and have ended up in a situation where they don’t feel confident setting boundaries or feeling they have a right to sometimes say no. Parents are supported to begin with responsive feeding and to respond to their baby’s cues but that doesn’t have to continue throughout a breastfeeding experience and we need to sometimes give parents permission to centre themselves. That could mean deciding to end breastfeeding and practice parent-led weaning. It could also mean being firmer around nursing manners or shaping the day’s breastfeeding in a way that works for everyone.

Don’t offer? Why not? Why can’t someone offer when they are about to go out or they are going to have a bath. Or when they are in the middle of weaning and they say something like, “We can have a short feed now but after that the next feed will be at bedtime.” Modelling body autonomy and demonstrating that these are your breasts and you sometimes get to decide when feeds happen is a powerful lesson for both members of the partnership. You might want to offer because you know that the next hour will be harder or you prefer to feed in a particular location or it just feels like the right time. I don’t believe that sometimes offering is incompatible with bringing breastfeeding to an end. You are taking control of the timing of feeds when it works for you. 

Don’t refuse? I dislike the use of that word ‘refuse’. It’s not a word that suggests love and kindness. It implies selfishness and even a bit of brutality. When a parent is simply too touched out to face another feed and suggests a cuddle or reading a book instead, I don’t want that to be termed ‘refusal’. Every parent, even the ones who don’t intend to lead the end of breastfeeding, has a right to decline a breastfeed. What messages are we sending about someone having agency over their own body if every single feed request must be complied with? What opportunities for valuable parenting conversations are we missing? I believe that even the mother who doesn’t intend to take any lead over the end of breastfeeding can benefit from sometimes explaining they don’t feel like doing a breastfeed and that’s OK. Even if that is met with frustration and annoyance, that is part of honest and healthy parenting. Being a gentle parent means encouraging your child to begin to develop a sense of empathy and to start them on the journey of being a caring and emotionally intelligent little person. How can we do that if we are never allowed to show that our feelings and needs matter too?

If you want to end breastfeeding and you are really struggling with your child’s current breastfeeding patterns, please reach out for help. If all you find is the phrase, “Don’t offer, don’t refuse,” keep looking. 
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If you are happy to continue, remember that your needs matter too and declining to sometimes feed an older nursling is healthy and important. It’s important for your mental health and also important for your child to develop an understanding that other people’s feelings matter and their needs can be met in different ways. This is a two-way relationship. It always has been. Now your child doesn’t depend on your 100% for their nutrition, even more so. Putting boundaries in place and being honest about how you feel is how relationships work. We shouldn’t be endorsing the idea that mothers and parents must always stay silent and compliant.

8 Comments
Caroline
2/9/2022 09:49:44 am

Thanks for posting this. You are right about the support to end breastfeeding - having fed my daughter for over two years I was looking for a more proactive approach to weaning than ‘don’t offer don’t refuse’. The idea that I should be demand feeding my toddler went against all other parenting advice in terms of teaching manners, regulating mealtimes and snacks, and being able to share my affections with the older siblings who felt a bit marginalised. In the end I was able to explain to my toddler that, as a result of antibiotics, the milk wouldn’t taste nice and I was able to stop. I gave her lots of affection as compensation but I am definitely less stressed now and able to parent all of my children a bit better. It would have been helpful to see some endorsement of the benefit to your own mental health, and to other aspects of your toddler’s development, that comes from weaning, which might have led me to a less drastic way of weaning as well. Thanks again.

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Helen
2/15/2022 11:44:23 am

Oh that is fascinating! I did that with my eldest (now 19) and never felt 100% comfortable with it and you have so clearly explained why. Also had a massive bout of nursing aversion with her and 'refusal' (which I never did outright, always a distraction or diversion) was my only recourse at some moments. I've found that most good breastfeeding advice continues to work in one way or another throughout parenting, my favourite being 'if they bite, bring them closer'. With teens, obviously, more of a metaphorical than actual bite but the principle remains the same, if they are lashing out, do something to bring them closer to you don't push them away. But this wouldn't work in any other area of parenting either would it - imagine trying to help your children learn independent travel by 'don't offer don't refuse' lifts anywhere, it would be chaos!

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Dean Hough
2/15/2022 04:47:28 pm

Yes when a parent need's to ween a child this unhelpful perhaps because our's were weened by 12 and 14 months we never had this issue

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Elisa Hannon
2/16/2022 09:17:03 am

Thank you Emma,
This is what I needed to hear and is so important for others to hear as well. Currently breastfeeding my 2 year old 30-49 times day and night- not refusing. The times when I feel I just don’t want to I give in with the words “don’t refuse” circling in my head.
Teaching her body autonomy struck a cord with me- it starts with me!

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Vicky Sibson
10/25/2022 10:04:10 pm

Thank you Emma! I had not heard any criticism of this technique but as I am at the start of the end of breastfeeding with Elspeth (or rather, I want it to be the start of the end and am trying to figure how my tactics) this makes so much sense. I now won’t feel conflicted about offering, or bad about ‘refusing’.

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Emma Farrell link
12/10/2022 10:27:55 am

This is so helpful and resonates so much with me at this time! Even hearing the frequency of feeds at this age is reassuring both as a first time mum to a currently 22mo and as a health professional with massive interest in breastfeeding! So much out there to help people start but not stop or even realise what is normal at this age! Thank you!

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Anna
12/17/2022 09:01:02 am

Is there somewhere you can direct for advice that is not don’t offer don’t refuse. Currently wanting to wean my 15 month old who screams for at least 5 minutes when I do refuse. It’s very difficult but like many of these comments say I’m touched out and don’t want to continue.

Reply
Emma Pickett
1/3/2023 11:24:49 am

Hi Anna,
You can make contact with an IBCLC or breastfeeding counsellor for tailored advice. This is a difficult age because they won't have much understanding of why things are changing so you'll need to focus on lots of cuddles and offering different kinds of connection. Ideally you develop language they will understand. A lot will depend on your child's relationship with the breast as there is a lot of variation at this age. Some have more of an emotional attachment than others. The key thing is that you need to look beyond saying 'no' to giving them alternatives nutrition and crucially, alternative ways to feel safe and connected. Attachment play is really valuable when weaning at this age and offering that as an alternative.

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    Emma Pickett IBCLC

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    A Lactation Consultant supporting families in North London.

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