Sometimes responsive feeding looks like this

The mother above is practising responsive feeding but… brace yourself…her baby showed absolutely NO feeding cues before the breastfeed started. Wasn’t remotely interested. No cues. No ‘demand’.

And…put on a second brace…the mother looked at her watch before starting a feed. The feed started because of the clock.

How can that be?
Isn’t responsive feeding all about being ‘baby-led’?
Shouldn’t the mother be feeding in response to the baby’s cues and messages?
Isn’t responsive feeding simply another way of saying ‘feeding on demand’ but we don’t use the word ‘demand’ anymore because it sounds a bit bossy and rude?

Nope.

Responsive feeding is not just a polite way of saying ‘feeding on demand’.

Let’s imagine this mum was looking at her watch because she has to go and pick her toddler up in an hour. She wanted to get a feed in before she had to leave.
Still responsive feeding.

Let’s imagine she has to leave for work. She has a Zumba class. She wants to go and have a bath and leave the baby with her partner.
Still responsive feeding.

She’s feeling engorged. She is feeling anxious. She just had a horrible phonecall and really wants a cuddle.
Still responsive feeding.

Because mums can have ‘demands’ too. They are allowed to have needs and urges and instincts and wishes. Responsive feeding is a two-way street. It’s a relationship between two people with back and forth and compromise. Sometimes one takes the lead. Sometimes the other.

It’s not a mother under the control of a teeny babygro-wearing master (or mistress).

Mothers can make decisions too. They can take the lead. They can be demanding. Sometimes their feelings might take priority for a while. Responsive feeding isn't all about a mother sacrificing her own needs. Or always putting herself second (or third or fourth).

Responsive feeding is two people meeting each other’s needs. The mother won’t get milk out of the arrangement but then the baby often isn’t looking for milk alone either. Responsive feeding meets the emotional needs of both mother and baby.

Here are some extracts from the UNICEF Baby Friendly infosheet which can be found in full here.

“Responsive breastfeeding involves a mother responding to her baby’s cues, as well as her own desire to feed her baby. Crucially, feeding responsively recognises that feeds are not just for nutrition, but also for love, comfort and reassurance between baby and mother.”

“She can also offer her breast to meet her own needs, for example before she goes out, before bedtime or because she wants to sit down, rest and have a cuddle with her baby.”

So, yes, sometimes a new mother might feed ‘by the clock’ and that can be OK. She might want to breastfeed for her own reasons - and that's how it's supposed to work.